When You Turn a Page, it's Not the End of the Story...

The children are huddled together under the covers, their eyes intent held by their mothers expressive face. In the soft light of the bedside lamp, their mother becomes so much more than a parent...she is an adventure, a journey, a giant tree beside a beautiful garden; and then she says the worst thing ever imaginable, "And that's all for tonight." Amidst gasps, groans, pouting faces and sweet begging, the story has reached that point of cessation. However, that is where we as children learn to expect that there is more to come. It was as children we learned that "happily ever after," was not the end of the whole story, just a point where "we stop for now." Then we lay awake all night and ponder, "What color was the horse as it rode off into the sunset?" "How many children did Cinderella have?" "How long does the prince have to wear those weird tights, until he's a king?"
As adults, we know that the turning of a page brings the end of a chapter; not necessarily the end of the story. A chapter in the life of Ryan Hess ended 5/17/10, but I know that the his story continues to be written. His legacy is being carried on in the lives of his wife and children, the innumerable impressions left behind in countless associations with classmates, strangers, friends, employers, peers, and patients. There is an eternal nature to "the soul," and I know my friend continues forward; we miss you dearly Ryan.
A wise sentiment shared by Dory goes, "Just keep swimming, swimming, etc." I can't imagine existing until the next breath, forcing myself to open my eyes the next morning, summoning the strength to roll over and throw off the covers, and try not to look at that empty space in the bed where someone should never have left...and then getting up because there are two kids that need their one-remaining parent to tell them that everything is going to be alright today...because that's what Daddy would want. I know I have a terrible attitude right now, but I recognize that I do not yet have the strength required to be alright inside myself to reassure someone else if I had suffered as greatly and deeply. It is in sincere admiration that I look at Margie recognize her strength, love, passion, endurance, and incredible attitude. I could only imagine what she must be feeling...and yet the way that Ryan and Margie fought, loved, acted, and lived in the last several months is amazing. Thank you for your strength and love of each other.
Ryan's death has inspired me and taught me the way in which I should live out the rest of mine. I pray to not see my "horizon" in the distance...but I know what I want to accomplish and impress upon the lives of my children every day I have them as a part of my life. I want them to know I love them. I want to hold them as gently as I can for a moment longer than before. I want my son to understand how proud of him I am, and wonderful it is to be his father. I want my daughter to kiss me one more time, to hear those sweet words spoken by a toddler, "Wuv you Dadty." I want there to be less screaming, and more laughing. Less hitting, and more hugging. More together and less separate or individual time. I want my kids to watch me shave or brush my teeth and really act like me brushing my teeth is the most incredible thing they are seeing at that moment. I want one more moment with my wonderful wife. One more chance. One more dinner. One more night. One more kiss. One more embrace. I want that extra kiss as I leave for work. I want that foot to touch my foot as I drift into another dream. I want to hear those respirations from her body as she stretches just before she relaxes and cuddles with me in the mornings. I want that one extra smile as she looks back at me as she drives the van away. I will always want one more before I it's over.
Life is full of experiences. Some you cherish. Some you hold on to. Some you move past. Other's you regret and learn from. As we experience life; day in and day out, hopefully I continue to learn what really matters, and what doesn't. Will I hand my boy the crayon and tell him to draw on the wall? Certainly not. I will; however, pause and make a memory, a moment if you will, that a Father and Son will remember forever as the beginning of an idea that maybe an art class should be considered in the future. :-) I love my family, and I hope that every single day, my wife and kids feel that my love was expressed a little more than the day before.
Thanks again Ryan.
http://teamryanhess.blogspot.com/

Never Too Late for Greatness

"Carpe the diem! Seize the...carp!!" It's a line from one of my favorite shows, "Out Cold." The humor is sometimes a little raunchy, but the enjoyment factor of sometimes letting a movie wash over me and NOT need any mental energy to process anything is sometimes a much needed reprieve. This is when I love playing with my kids, no strategy, no "plan;" just them and me on the floor and going all out.

What I love the most about being a Dad, is that my kids love me. Sometimes I'm a little hot-tempered, and I hear Angela reminding me to "cool it" a little bit...but it's never very long afterwards that "hugs and kisses" abound and we're ready for something else fun to do.

Last night as I was getting ready to leave for work, my kids knelt in prayer with Angela and I, and then we kissed each other good-nights, and then all went silent as we helped them into their beds. It's a slice of heaven when they both go to bed peacefully, happily, willingly, and so sweet. I'm so proud to be their Father, and honored beyond description to be their Dad.

I may not be great at some things, but I vow today to be a great Dad tomorrow, the next day, and every day after that until it actually happens!!! :-)

The Me that I am not Anymore

Not to sound completely and totally crazy, but it's funny how a simple question can really make you think. "...I am not who I was and that person has gone away. That ever happen to you?" When you sit and honestly think about that statement/question, what comes to mind is actually quite interesting.

I am Kitchener; have been for almost 31 years now. That hasn't changed a whole lot. :-) However, yesterday I was a son. Today I am a Dad. Tomorrow I will be a grandfather. Yesterday I was a brother-in-law, today I'm an uncle.

It's funny how my life has "Chapters." Each grade in elementary school was a chapter, Jr. High was a chapter, for some reason High school seems like a collection of short stories all brought together in a collection of sorts, then the mission, and everything else until I got married (college, dating, heartache, pain, no sleep, depression, endurance)...AND THEN MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!! That story has been much more exciting!! Pregnancy, child birth, first apartment, second, third, fourth, etc. :-) A MORTGAGE!!!!!

My mission mom once shared a thought, "Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery (waiting to be revealed and explored), Today is a gift." Yesterday I was thinner, today...not so much. But I am so happy! I wouldn't go back to being single or back in college for ANYTHING!! There are moments that I recall from yesterday that make my heart break. There are moments I would like to experience again. I am so grateful for memories and the feelings that I am able to take with me; sometimes there is something tangible that brings them back suddenly...almost as if I was there again.

I may not play the role I had yesterday, but I am still the "star" in my own performance. I have an innumerable cast of co-stars that add an entire spectrum of spice, drama, and pizazz to my life, but I'm still Me.

I am Kitchener. Honored son of Paul and Gale, incredibly blessed husband to Angela; lucky parent to Kitchener Jaxon and Lia Eliza-Sonja; humble sibling to Jenny, Jason, and Mike; grateful son-in-law of Mark and Jonni; brother-in-law to my best friends Andrew, Wendi, Sarah, Cameron, Aaron, Ian, Corby, Emily, and Em; proud uncle to Hayden, Ahlia, and Eliza, indebted grandson to Kitchener Edward & Sonja, Boyd and Leila and Claron, little (big) nephew to some of the most incredible Aunts and Uncles that this earth had ever known; and a cousin to some pretty amazing and incredible people that inspire, motivate and love me; I can't even begin to number the several special and dear friends that have enriched my life. I couldn't number all of my blessings. :-)

In more ways than one (metaphorically and physically) I am not the same as yesterday. I am; however, so blessed and happy to be who and where I am today. It's probably a good thing that I can't step into the same stream twice. A running stream is cool, refreshing, clean...full of opportunities and adventures; water that doesn't move and is stagnant is usually dirty. There's a reason we don't bathe in the same bath water. :-) BRING ON THE RAIN!! I can't wait to jump into that stream! I love you! Remember that. You are counted and numbered, and I value you more than you will ever know!! The ties that bind us run deep and eternal; remember that!